Holiday worries

It's Christmas Eve and I'm loving it. I'm cooking our Christmas Eve feast right now, where we celebrate Jesus' birthday and spend time together as a family, eating cookies, watching holiday movies, eating more sweets, and playing games. I love this time of year and I'm loving it this year, being home for Christmas and embarking on our own family traditions.

With all that said, I'm feeling a little down. I keep getting these emails from baby sites (that I keep unsubscribed from!) about the progress of our 4-month old baby, the baby that was never born. Our baby would be 4 or 5-months now (since I've never made it to full term). We would be getting past the constant feeding newborn stage and into the fun interaction stage. We would (most likely) be done having children. We would have a nursery set up in this house. We would be celebrating Baby's first Christmas. Perhaps I'm just looking on Facebook at my friends' pictures of their babies' first Christmases, but I know I'm not the only one who feels this way (read Keep Calm and Have a Cosmo's latest blog post "The Breathings of my Heart").

This past week at church we obviously talked about Jesus' birth. The pastor incorporated this verse into his message, Philippians 4:6-7:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians is my absolute favorite book of the Bible. I could (and sometimes do) read that book everyday and feel just as encouraged as the first time I read it. This week, it was such a pleasant surprise to hear those verses discussed at a pre-Christmas service. I really felt like God was reaching out to me, inviting me to hand him those worries that have been pressing on my heart.

Worry #1: I worry that we will continue to have miscarriages. Two of my four pregnancies have ended in a miscarriage, one of them being a partial molar pregnancy. (Yikes!) How will my next pregnancy turn out? Could I handle another miscarriage?

Worry #2: I worry that there will be an even bigger age gap between our 2.5 year old toddlers and our next baby. Our oldest was 2.5 years old when our twins were born and I thought that was a big difference. I always wanted our kids close together in age... but I can't seem to control this at all.

Worry #3: I worry that the timing is all wrong for our next pregnancy. With our last pregnancy, we knew my husband's schedule. We knew where we would be living. Now... not so much. In about 6 months, his schedule is totally up in the air. He could be in Connecticut for 3 months unaccompanied. He could be in rotating shift work in South Carolina as he goes through prototype. We could all be moving to upstate New York for him to go through prototype there... There are so many possibilities, none of them even remotely solid. Who knows? (Read "STA-21 'Officer's' Program.")

I need to hand all these over to God. I need to give all these things to him. The next verses in Philippians go on to tell us what we should think about, Philippians 4:8-9:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-- think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-- put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

I find worry to be a hard state to be in. There isn't a clear adversary. You don't really have something tangible to be concerned about... You just have these thoughts in your head that keep you from fully being in the present. Thoughts that disrupt your peace and keep you from presenting your concerns to God. I hold onto these things and feel that if I keep them close, I might somehow be able to prevent them from happening or might somehow be able to change something. But I can't. I mean, my second worry, the age gap... What can I do about that? The time has come and passed. Nothing can change that. Why do I worry about it?

Whenever I think about worrying and handing my worries over to God, I think about the verses in Matthew. Matthew 6:25-27:

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat and drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds in the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

To me the those verses speak of the futility of worrying. Why should I worry when I can hand these concerns to God, God who can answer these prayers?

Philippians 1:27a says, "Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ." Paul says "whatever happens." Not "when good things happen" or "when bad things happen you get a pass" or any of that. Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. I know I've talked about that verse before. I love that verse. I have it written in the front of my Bible and for a long time, hanging on my bathroom mirror. It comforts me. It gives me hope that I can, no matter what, bring glory to God no matter what my circumstances. Praising God is not contingent on my life circumstances or if things are going my way or if I'm where I want to be or if I miss my family or my friends. Praising God is not contingent on whether I've "moved on" from this last miscarriage.

I feel like I keep having to remind myself of this. I pray and pray about this. I give God this. And then something happens-- an unexpected bill from the hospital for the D&C, a question from a doctor on my pregnancy history, a major holiday we aren't celebrating with our longed for newborn-- and I'm back on my knees, full of heartache. I'm so thankful that through this I have a personal God, a God who listens. A God who sent his son to earth to die for our sins and redeem me so that one day I can praise him in person, joining him in heaven.

Isaiah 9:6-7

For to us a child is born,

to us a son is given,

and the government will be on his shoulders.

And he will be called

Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,

Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Of the greatness of his government and peace

there will be no end.

He will reign on David's throne

and over his kingdom,

establishing and upholding it

with justice and righteousness

from that time on and forever.

The zeal of the Lord Almighty

will accomplish this.