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Miscarriage

So I've been conflicted for the past couple weeks about whether or not I should blog about our miscarriage. On one hand, I would love to talk about it because it is so isolating. On the other hand, it feels so personal. In the end, I think talking about it is the best thing to do.

From the beginning, this pregnancy was showing signs of problems. My OB/Gyn does a first trimester ultrasound. The ultrasound had abnormalities... the weeks weren't lining up right... we did blood tests... the numbers went up, but not as much as they wanted... more ultrasounds... After several weeks of this up and down, one step forward and two steps back, it was clear the baby was not developing and was in fact miscarrying. We decided to try the medication, this pill you put on your cervix, to try and have the miscarriage at home without surgery. This way we wouldn't have to line up a sitter for an early morning surgery with recovery time. The pill didn't work and I ended up still needing a D&C because my uterus did not clear. Thankfully we were able to line up childcare. Our baby-sitters are absolutely wonderful. I cannot begin to express how nice it is to lay down to rest in my bedroom and hear my children giggling with joy because their baby-sitter is playing a fun game with them. They have been such a blessing to us.

This is actually my second D&C. I miscarried during our first pregnancy, a little after 12 weeks. It is so heartbreaking to see a baby on the ultrasound and never get to hold it. I started bleeding over the weekend. After a frantic ER visit and daily blood tests, it was confirmed I was miscarrying. It was the same situation where my uterus did not clear and I needed a D&C. Since it was our first child and it felt so late to miscarry, I remember feeling horrified to have a D&C. This time felt different. Perhaps because there were problems from the beginning and so we at least had an idea this was coming.

Miscarrying is a hard thing for people to address. It is emotionally devastating to go through. We were trying to have babies both times we miscarried. It was hard to let go of that dream, that child, that we wanted to hold so badly. It drains you as a mother. I feel like these are children of mine I will never get to meet. I hope I can hold them one day in heaven. I don't know if that sounds silly, but that is how I feel. You want people to say something to you about your loss, but then you hear things like, "At least it happened early in the pregnancy" or "You can try again soon." Those things, while well-meaning, feel like a pat on the head, as if I didn't just lose a baby. And I know that to other people that a baby in the first trimester, before I'm even showing, might not feel like a baby to them. But it did to me. And it is hard for my husband. I remember when our first son was born. My husband held him in his arms and said, "Can you believe that we have a baby?" I had to laugh because I felt like I had a baby the moment I saw two pink lines; I was just waiting for him to be born! I know it is different for men. My husband through this whole process has been wonderful. He has held me when I needed a cry and has cheered me up with movie nights, chocolate, and refilling my water every time he gets up. Sometimes though, I feel like life has just moved on for him during this miscarriage while I feel stuck. I don't know if I want to move on without this baby.

Wonderfully, through my husband's love and support, he's really helped me focus on the blessings I do have. With gentle patience, I have seen his love for me each day these past several weeks as we worried and prayed over this pregnancy. I am so blessed by him. I cherish him every day. And I hope and pray our sons turn out like him. I love our three boys. I can't wait for them to all be big brothers (hopefully to a little sister!). This time just wasn't the time.

We didn't see this miscarriage coming. We thought our first miscarriage was "common," being our first pregnancy. We heard that happens often. We felt we had gotten it over with and that now we would have normal pregnancies. We brought our four-year old with us to the first trimester ultrasound, hoping to get him excited about this budding addition to our family. I had been feeling awful: exhausted, nauseous, throwing up. I thought this would be a great way for him to connect with the baby and maybe feel sympathetic towards Mommy. Instead we had bad news. He didn't understand what the doctor was saying, nor did we explain it to him until we had confirmed that it was indeed a miscarriage, which was nearly three weeks later. From the beginning he had named the baby "Baby Flowers." He said he wanted to name it Flowers because girls like flowers and he wanted a baby sister. To quote him, "I have enough brothers!" Every day he prayed for Baby Flowers, that she was having a good day in Mommy's tummy and that she knew how much he loved her. It was precious. When we told him that we weren't having a baby right now, he asked why not. I told him that God wanted Baby Flowers to come live with him. He turned his little face to me and said with tears in his eyes, "But can't I hold her first before she goes and lives with God? Can't you tell God we want her?" My heart broke. We told him we would have another baby soon and he said he would name that baby Baby Flowers too. My husband then brought out the Legos and all was well, but, man, those words have hung with me. Next time we are going to wait to tell him about my pregnancy.

I'm doing better now. It was really hard two weeks ago, around 10 weeks, when we tried that medication. I did not want to do it. I cried as I waited for it to work, thinking, "I don't want a miscarriage!" At the follow-up ultrasound, I saw the 12 weeks 1 day mark on the screen and wished that it were different, that I wasn't miscarrying. But I can't change it. I can only trust God and know He has a plan for us. At 12 weeks 2 days, I had the D&C. I really am feeling better. It helps me to think of these babies we've lost as our children, as babies we have lost. I let myself grieve the past couple weeks. I was surprised that I was grieving over our first miscarriage again. Those feelings came back up and I remembered how I felt leaving the ER when I first started bleeding. I remembered how terrified I was to have a D&C. But I also remembered all the good things that happened because of it. I met two wonderful women who have become my best friends. I became pregnant with a beautiful baby boy, our firstborn, the first month we could start trying again. Over the past couple years, I've been able to talk about that miscarriage with other women who have gone through the same thing. I know God has a plan and that this will turn out for good.

I always find comfort in my favorite Psalm, Psalm 91. Here is an excerpt:

"'Because he loves me,' says the Lord, 'I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation.'"

Comments

Lindsey said…
Thanks so much for sharing this! Luke and I also had a miscarriage before Carter was born. In fact, this week would have been the baby's 8th birthday had he or she been born around their due date. I too felt like he didn't quite feel it like I did. I had started cross stitching a baby blanket the second I found out I was pregnant and was almost half way done when I miscarried. Looking back, I think he was probably trying to be strong for me but I would have much preferred him cry with me or at least show some signs of disappointment. Every once in a while I remember the fear it brought that I would never be able to have children when it was the only thing in the world I wanted. We were very lucky and now have 2 precious boys. I'm not happy I had a miscarriage but if I'd carried that baby to term, I wouldn't have Griffin now and I can't imagine trading him for anything in the whole world.
Anonymous said…
I don't know what it is like to miscarry. I also don't know what it is like to have a child of my own. But I do know what it is like to love a child with everything inside of me, even before they come into this world. I have walked that road with many friends and felt guilty that I had trouble processing and crying alongside them. Instead of being strong. I just know that God is holding your precious babies in His arms. You WILL hold them one day in Heaven. They have each other to wait for you with. Your precious little ones are there surrounded by such love and peace...it is comforting and also a confusing thing for me. My selfish side wants them here with us...here to be held and loved...never hearing their laugh, or wiping their tears, or even smelling them seems unfair and cruel. The opposite to that is that God takes ALL things and works together for our good according to His plan. I don't know what trials they would have had or what you will miss. But I trust God enough to know what I miss here on Earth compares nothing to the joy and greatness that I experience with them in Heaven.
You don't have to see them, hold them, or know them to love them, or miss them. You are the mommy to 5 beautiful children! 2 that were too precious for this Earth.
Praying for you and I love you!
Andrea Johnson
Kimber said…
Thank you for the sweet words!! I really appreciate it. I am feeling much better now (well, more in control of my emotions). We really do trust God's plan, even though right now it is hard. It was really hard when we weren't sure which way the pregnancy was going to say, "Okay, God, your will be done," but we know he has great things for us. I am so grateful for the all the prayers offered up for us, during and after. THANK YOU!!! (And I've been saying many prayers for you, sweet Andrea!!!)

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