3 months down

Here is my follow-up post on my partial molar pregnancy. All in all, I had the best possible outcome with a molar pregnancy: no complications and my numbers went down quickly.

Things I've heard a lot of throughout this whole process:

• "At least it happened early in the pregnancy."
• "At least you have 3 healthy boys to focus on."
• "You can try again soon."
• "I'm sure those complications won't happen to you; don't worry about it."
• "My friend who miscarried just gave birth to a beautiful baby."

Sometimes it felt like as soon as I talked about the molar pregnancy or answered questions about what a molar pregnancy is, people would rush to assure me that it was all going to be fine or not to worry about it or that we will get pregnant soon. While talking with my doctor, he told me that the chances of me having the more serious complications of a partial molar pregnancy (read "Molar pregnancy") were very low because of how quickly my numbers went to negative, so I also felt that my chances of relapsing were slim to none. Honestly, I don't know what I wanted people to say. And I know that people were just trying to let me know that they love me and want the best for me, that they worry about me and didn't want me to have to go through anything more. I knew that they were trying to give me hope. I guess I liked it best when someone would just say, "Oh, man, I'm sorry you are going through this. I'll be praying things keep getting better for you." The comments of "you'll get pregnant again soon" felt like people wanted me to stop grieving over the loss of this pregnancy, this baby, and to move on. Sometimes I just felt down about the whole situation and didn't know what I wanted to hear. Whatever people say though, I'm still always happier when someone says something to me about it instead of ignoring it. Grief is hard to manage and often made me feel like I was pushing people away.

I had a hard time moving on from this pregnancy loss. We had gone through an unexpected pregnancy loss before (this partial molar pregnancy was my 4th pregnancy; I miscarried our 1st pregnancy as well) and it was hard then. On one hand, having my 3 beautiful boys was an absolute blessing. They did keep me busy and they did remind me of the beauty in life, the fun in the everyday. They relaxed me and kept my hands busy. On the other hand, it was hard to find time to grieve. I didn't feel that I had time to throw myself into the emotions I was feeling and that sometimes I had to push them to the side. Maybe that is why the grieving process took longer. I do also think that the uncertainty of the next couple years played a big role as well (my husband is in the Navy, read "Asthma, STA-21, commissioning, and PCSing-- yikes!"). I kept thinking, "Oh, this was perfect timing to have a baby. What if I get pregnant before he has to leave? What if I get pregnant and we are moving during my due date? What if I don't like my next OBGyn?"

It took me awhile to realize all the pressure I was putting on myself over something that I couldn't change. It was ridiculous. I didn't like hearing from people, "You need to give yourself time to heal," when I told them about this wait period with the blood draws, but I realized I do. I wouldn't be happy if we rushed into the next pregnancy and miscarried. During my mono/di twin pregnancy (read "Identical or fraternal [revised]"), one of my big rules, because it was high risk, was, if I went into premature labor, would I regret an activity/food/drink/etc? If the answer was yes, I didn't do the activity, like take the walk or finish the chore list or eat the cold cuts for lunch. (I hate the no cold cuts during pregnancy rule. Since when is that a thing??) The risk had to outweigh the benefit. For this partial molar pregnancy, the risk of rushing things did not outweigh the benefit. Our timeline of moving and my husband's Navy schedule will sort itself out. And, in all honesty, this timing of our partial molar pregnancy wasn't exactly perfect either. We are moving across state lines in less than a week and my due date for the partial molar pregnancy was September 9th. I would either be super pregnant right now, stressing about all the things that needed to get done for our move, or nursing a newborn, since I've never made it to my due date, even with our singleton.

The thing that has been getting me down as we get ready to move is never going to my OBGyn again. When we got pregnant this last time, I was very excited that when all was said and done, I would have given birth to 3 kids in the same state, a big feat for a Navy family. I would have also used the same OBGyn for 2 pregnancies. I liked the idea of having the same doctors and saying, "Oh, last time Doctor P was just wonderful; I'm so glad he could deliver us this time as well." The only consistency in my history with OBGyns I have is having a pregnancy and a miscarriage at the same practice. My first pregnancy (miscarriage) and my second pregnancy (singleton) was at the same OBGyn practice; my third pregnancy (mono/di twins) and my fourth pregnancy (miscarriage/partial molar) was at the same OBGyn.

I'm also dreading passing the due date. My husband says to not worry about it and let it go. I know he means well and I know this whole thing has been hard on him as well (he was sooo worried about me when we got the diagnosis). I just don't seem to be able to. I can't believe how much time has passed. From our first questionable ultrasound at the end of January to now, August. My positive pregnancy test was at the end of 2012-- time is marching forward. It is much easier said than done to not focus on the passage of time. My friends who were pregnant at the same time as me are all giving birth to their babies. Other friends have announced their pregnancies. My heart fills with joy for them; I know many of them have also struggled with infertility, pregnancy loss, and complicated or high risk pregnancies. I'm not begrudging any of them. Just seeing their pregnancies come to fruition reminds me of where I "should be" in my pregnancy-- definitely something I have struggled to let go of. There are also smaller things, like commercials on TV that made us laugh when I was pregnant, "Oh, that's going to be us," or whatever we said. Now I see them and am reminded of how excited I was about the pregnancy and how excited our oldest was to be a big brother again.

This update has taken me awhile to write because the feelings were so raw for so long. Now I'm honestly at a much better spot. Occasionally my heartstrings are pulled, like with the approaching due date, but the constant longing when I see a pregnant belly has died down. I remember the first couple blood draw appointments, taken at my OBGyn office, were really hard. I would sit in the waiting room and try not to look at the pregnant women checking in or struggling to lower themselves in those waiting room chairs (pregnant bellies are so cumbersome). I remember this one gal who was standing in line with her hand resting on her tummy; I thought the baby was kicking and she was feeling the little movements. I miss feeling that, in spite of how miserable carrying a pregnancy actually was for me. Now I don't feel my cheeks flush when confronted with a pregnant belly and I don't automatically calculate the weeks I "should be" when I look at my calendar. I don't feel on the verge of tears when our oldest asks when we are going to have another baby or tells me how much he wants a little sister; I can easily talk to him and answer his questions.

So now I'm cleared to TTC, as many online forums call it (Try To Conceive). Whenever we get pregnant again, I will have close monitoring during the first trimester to make sure that I'm not carrying another molar pregnancy. The molar pregnancy is behind us, but, as every woman who has experienced pregnancy loss in one form or another, it will never be forgotten. Two miscarriages, one of them being a molar pregnancy, has definitely made my husband and I nervous when it comes to certainty in our positive pregnancy tests. No, we are not pregnant now, but we recently discussed our feelings going forward. I was surprised to find that both he and I had the same feelings toward our next pregnancy. We are excited to be able to try again, though nervous. Nervous to experience all of this again, nervous at the possibility of miscarrying, nervous at the uncertainty of pregnancy and the heartbreak of loss. I think he feels much more like he doesn't want to get his hopes up whenever we find out we are pregnant again. I feel much more like I don't want to lose another baby. It's funny how men and women view things so differently. I've learned through this whole thing that sometimes he words things differently than I would and that he views things differently than I do; however, his love is deep and strong and he felt the loss as well. He is my best friend and I'm thankful for him everyday.

Here's to hoping!

My other blog posts on my molar pregnancy:

"Miscarriage"

"Molar pregnancy"

"The bake queen"

"3 weeks, 3 months"

"Time won't let me go"