My own list of "You know you are a mother to twins when..."
1. You automatically start calculating how long something will last.
"A bag of 6 apples will last the toddlers 3 days, throw in the preschooler and the husband and it will last one day with two remaining apples... Okay, 2 bags for 2 days."
"I want to buy this shirt for me, but it has sequins (aka baby magnets) and must hang dry... I could probably wear it twice. Let's go with this one. I wanted another plain, washable t-shirt anyways..."
2. You buy two of everything.
Two loaves of bread (which lasts about a week), two bunches of bananas (four days), two gallons of milk (almost a day and a half), two bottles of Ibuprofen (for the momma who is carrying around two 25 lb toddlers)...
3. You are always hungry.
You sit down with a bowl of oatmeal and a cup of yogurt for the toddlers along with a yogurt and piece of toast for yourself. The toddlers wolf down the oatmeal and yogurt, scream when the see you take a bite of your yogurt, so you feed them the yogurt, only to have the same thing happen with your toast... When you look at the clock, you see you are running late so you finish your coffee, get everyone dressed, and realize only once you get to the car that you had one bite of yogurt and one bite of toast for breakfast. Nice.
4. You are always late.
Why? I don't know. You set an alarm. You lay out clothes the night before. The lunches are packed and waiting in the fridge. You already have the address programmed in your GPS. No matter what you do, you always leave the house late.
5. You refer to your children in the plural, even when you only have one.
Stranger: "Aw, he is so cute!"
You: "Thank you. They look just like their daddy."
Doctor: "How long has he had this rash?"
You: "They came down with a fever on Friday, but the rash didn't show up until Monday."
Doctor: "They both have a rash?"
You: "No, only he does."
Friend: "How long has he been walking?"
You: "They started walking between 13 and 15 months."
Friend: "Oh, wow."
You: "Well, he started walking at 13 months and he started walking at 15 months."
6. You operate like a small business, complete with business hours.
Your mom: "Hey, can you send me an email with so-and-so's address?"
You: "Sure. I will be on the computer from 1:30 pm to 2:15 pm. I will send it to you then."
Your mom: "Sounds... great... thanks?"
Friend: "We should get our kids together for a playdate!"
You: "I would love to! We are free Tuesday from 3:00 pm to 4:30 pm, Wednesday from 10:30 am to 11:45 am, or anytime Friday if you would like to come to our place."
Husband: "Can you drop this off at the post office for me?"
You: "No problem! I will be at the post office next Monday or two weeks after that on Thursday..."
7. You plan your outings, much like a special forces team.
You to your husband: "Okay, we are going to leave the house at 1045, head straight to the grocery store. I'll run the Redbox in while you wait in the car with the kids. Then we'll head over to Petsmart. We will use a shopping cart and the Buggy Bench. You take the boys to the back and look at the fish while I get the dog food. We will be in the store for about 15 minutes. After Petsmart, we'll give the toddlers a snack. We'll save the preschooler's snack for Target, in between trying on jeans, which he will not think is fun. At Target, we'll use the stroller. The best way for us to pick out and try on jeans is if you take the boys while I..."
Husband's jaw drops as you describe the layout of the boys' clothes department.
8. Your family questions your sanity.
Your mom: "How was your day?"
You: "Really good! The boys only cried for half the day."
Husband, at dinner: "What did you guys do today?"
You: "Well, both of the toddlers were constipated, so we had to come home and give them some pear juice. It really seemed to help. About an hour later, they both had movements which looked like..."
Husband puts fork down.
Your sister: "I don't know how you do it with three."
You: "Well, the crying really doesn't bother me anymore and I just made sure to find friends that know that I will run late or cancel."
You, covering the mouthpiece while on the phone with the insurance company: "Baby, we don't ride our brothers like horses."
Insurance agent: "Ma'am? Would you like to call back?"
You: "Oh, no! It's okay."
9. You don't get embarassed while out in public, no matter what happens.
Store employee: "Ma'am, is that, um, poop... on your... shirt?"
You: "Yes. It is. Where can I find Wellness dog food?"
Checking out at the grocery store while one baby is systematically throwing everything he can reach from the Buggy Bench out of the shopping cart and the other is screaming at full volume in the child seat, you to the cashier: "How are you doing today?" (Big smile on your face.)
Cashier: "Um, good?"
One toddler is screaming pitifully in the stroller while the other toddler empties a magazine rack. You are trying to pay for the three things (and ripped magazines) you came in for. The woman in line behind you suddenly lets out that breathy sigh-- you know the one: "Oh, twiiiins? My mother is a twin..."
You, with a smile on your face: "That is wonderful! You have a blessed day! Can you guys wave bye-bye?"
The toddler in the stroller looks up at you, red faced and soaking wet with tears. The toddler at the magazine rack flings a magazine down defiantly. You smile sweetly to the now puzzled woman who is shaking her head at "parents these days" and drop your purchases in your stroller as you leave the store.
10. You have great looking arms.
You decide to walk into the dollar store with both toddlers, no stroller. Your plan is to use a shopping cart once inside. As you cross the parking lot, one of your toddlers decides he doesn't want to walk. The other decides he also doesn't want to walk. Meanwhile a car is waiting to drive past. You have no issue flagging that car to stop, a look on your face so severe they wouldn't have tried to drive past even if they wanted to, while you stop in the road to pick one toddler up with one arm and scoop the other toddler up with the other arm. Into the store you go with two 25 lb babies!
Your morning routine consists of picking one toddler up with one arm, walking to the other toddler's crib and scooping him up with the other arm. Every morning. Without issue.