Recently on one of my submarine spouse groups, a spouse asked what kind of support is given to the military families while the service member is deployed. Several people answered, but here's the bottom line: no support is guaranteed.
Your boat might not have an active FRG (Family Readiness Group). Or Wardroom (for officer spouses). Or you might be geo-bacheloring and nowhere near any of the military support. Or maybe you haven't connected at that particular duty station or you just moved there or you live across country from all of your friends and family or maybe you are going through a hard time: mentally or physically.
But here is the great news! Support for military families can come from anywhere: your neighbors, the military community, your friends and family, your existing support networks and social circles, your church, your gym, your kids' schools, long distance, your FRG, your Wardroom, your military base and the programs offered there.
Even better, if you know a military family, YOU can help them. No matter where you live or what is going on in your own life. No matter how little or how well you know them.
How can you help the military family in your life?
1. Send them a gift card.
It doesn't have to be a lot. It can be $5, "Here is a coffee on me." It can be enough to cover take-out dinner, "Here is an easy dinner on me." It can be a Visa gift card that can be used anywhere, a Starbucks gift card to keep the caffeine levels high, or a giftLink sent over your smartphone. You can drop it in the mail in a greeting card, put it in a small gift card envelope and pass it on in person, send it over email... it doesn't matter. This small gift says, "Hey, I'm thinking of you."
2. Bring them dinner.
Not, "Let me know when I can bring you dinner sometime!" Not, "Send me some recipes you like and I will make you dinner!" Who would do that? No. That is awkward and makes the military spouse feel like they are putting you out. Instead, tell them you want to make them dinner. Ask them if they have any allergies or likes or dislikes. Tell them you want to drop it off sometime in the next week or two and ask if there is a good day, then set the date. If you want to drop off a hot meal, make sure you actually arrive at a time that they eat dinner. Remember, meals that freeze or meals that they just have to pop in the oven are also really handy! (And can be frozen and used at a future time that they really need an easy meal!)
3. Childcare
You hear a lot as a military spouse, "You need to find a good sitter." You bet. However, when your spouse is deployed and you don't live near family or friends, you need a baby-sitter for literally every small instance that pops up in your life. It gets really expensive and you have to pick and choose when you will hire the sitter. Not every military spouse has a childcare swap set up with other parents or has found their go-to sitter at that duty station. So something helpful is childcare. Here are some ways that you could offer childcare to the military spouses in your life:
- "Here's my phone number. I pick my son up from school every day. I would be happy to pick your kids up at school too. Please call me anytime you would like me to pick them up and drop them off at your house or even keep them for an hour or so after school. I'm happy to do it."
- "I heard you say you were trying to set up a hair appointment/dental appointment. I'm free all next week if you want to schedule that. I would be happy to watch your little ones while you go. It is no problem."
- "Hey, you said your sitter canceled on you this Friday. I'm home all Friday night. Would you like to drop your kids off here? I could watch them while you go out."
- "Our kids are about the same age. Do you want to set up a day each week that we childcare swap? That way each of us could get a guaranteed kid-free hour each week for errands... or a nap!"
- "The holidays are coming up. Would you like me to watch your kids one of the days this weekend so you could get some kid-free holiday shopping done?"
Living far away and still want to help with childcare? Offer to send them a designated amount of money to help cover childcare expenses. "Hey, I'm sending you $50 to set a sitter up sometime. I hope this helps when you have a doctor's appointment or just want to get out."
4. Listening
You don't have to live next door to bend an ear to the military spouses in your life. As a military spouse, it is hard to lose my partner for 6 months to a submarine. He isn't home to appreciate the big and small things that happen in our lives and sometimes it feels like... those things just don't matter to anyone else but me. I love when my friends and family are available and interested in the small things in my life. When my best friend texts me back with 100 smiley faces when the baby takes his first steps. When my mom wants to hear every detail about my son's birthday party. When my sister wants me to send her pictures of all the kids' artwork from school each week. I love when my dad listens to me vent about the person at Costco that waited for my parking spot when I came out with two full carts and 5 kids to load up. It's hard to go through an emotionally trying time and then feel like your usual support and person you share life with is gone, leaving you feeling a little adrift-- or like these things don't matter.
5. Care packages
These are fun. We have family friends that send our kids care packages all the time-- for birthdays and holidays, yes, but also just because. They will clear out the Target dollar bin because it is full of Star Wars stuff or Marvels stuff or send us cute things from Disney. They aren't big presents, but it is so much fun for the kids (and for me) to get things in the mail. I also love opening my front door to a bouquet of flowers and an encouraging note, "Tough week up ahead, but you are a rockstar!" These little gifts and notes-- given in person, left on the doorstep, or sent in the mail-- make you feel like you have people in your corner. You might not always have a local support network, but you have people who care, people who know you can do it. People who are rooting for you. People who are invested in you.
6. Encouraging words
We live in an amazing time where we have video chat, text messages, email, phone calls, social media, snail mail, in person coffee dates... all these great ways to keep in touch and let someone know you are thinking of them. Because it is hard. Deployment comes and your 3-year old picks up these weird, obnoxious habits. Your elementary school kids regress. You still have a full calendar, a full plate, life to take care of, and all hell breaks loose. It means so much to have the people who accept you-- and your family-- as you are, mess and all. Getting those kind words-- instead of criticism-- means so much in the mayhem of deployment. It is nice to hear in any form.
We live in an amazing time where we have video chat, text messages, email, phone calls, social media, snail mail, in person coffee dates... all these great ways to keep in touch and let someone know you are thinking of them. Because it is hard. Deployment comes and your 3-year old picks up these weird, obnoxious habits. Your elementary school kids regress. You still have a full calendar, a full plate, life to take care of, and all hell breaks loose. It means so much to have the people who accept you-- and your family-- as you are, mess and all. Getting those kind words-- instead of criticism-- means so much in the mayhem of deployment. It is nice to hear in any form.
7. Grace
This one is piggy-backing off of encouraging words. I don't know why, but sometimes during deployment, the "little things" feel like "really big things." For instance, your computer dies, your car breaks down, your kid gets in trouble at school, and the baby gets sick and can't go to daycare all in one week and it throws you into a massive tailspin. Those things are stressors at the best of times, but when it happens during deployment-- when you already feel stretched-- it's like your decision making abilities are maxed out and instead of tackling one problem at a time, a meltdown over all the problems at the same time seems like a better option. Or maybe the every day, run of the mill, day in and day out routine of life just grates, and grates, and grates... and you run late, you feel frazzled... done... tired... like you need a break. It is such a comfort to find grace. Grace to run late, grace to vent (again). Grace to let your hair down and not have to worry about if you talked too much, if you ruined the friendship for rescheduling again, if you aren't accepted because your spirits are down. Grace from the people who love you when you are stressed and who love you when you are standing on solid ground. Grace is given by telling the military spouse in your life, "Don't worry about it," and then meaning it. Grace is given by not gossiping about them, by not judging them, by supporting them at their level, and then genuinely moving forward with the friendship. We give grace easily to our children and withhold it so much from adults. During deployment, the military spouse in your life will more than likely need a little grace extended their way at one point or another because sometimes it is hard to keep your ducks in a row when it feels like you don't know exactly where to focus first.
8. Visiting/Paying for travel
This one is a maaaaaaaybe. This depends on the military spouse you want to visit, when the deployment falls, if they have kids... how long the deployment is... on and on. There are a number of reasons why the military spouse in your life would want every visitor who is willing to come... and why they might just want to lay low for a bit. Or maybe you want to invite the military spouse (and kids) to come visit you for a bit. Another option would be offering to pay for plane tickets (train tickets, etc.) for the military spouse (and kids) to come visit you-- again, depending on a number of things, including school schedules. Sometimes having visitors or taking a trip during deployment helps break up the time. (Other times, the military spouse just needs to hunker down and hold on until the deployment is over.) So chat with the military spouse in your life and see where they stand, if this is something you are interested in! (Side note: visitors during deployment can be amazing, but even if the military spouse you are visiting lives in Hawaii... don't have expectations of sight-seeing. You might be getting much more of a nitty, gritty "here's how us locals live" experience, while you help with grocery runs and wrangling kids to the bus stop.)
9. Acts of service
A huge help during deployment is the day to day stuff that tends to pile up-- yard care, snow shoveling, dog walking, school pick up... Offering your help and following through with these tasks is often a huge help, especially if the military spouse has children. My neighbors have helped me with so many different odd jobs around the house and they are truly appreciated-- even small things like pulling my trash cans back up to the house on trash day.
10. Specific asks
Every person is different and deployment falls at a different time of life. When my husband deployed before we had 5 kids, my favorite deployment activity was sharing a bottle of wine with my good friends. Now that we have 5 kids, my favorite deployment help is when someone will walk my kids to and from school. If you really want to help the military spouse in your life, talk to them! Find out what you can do. Maybe they need a ride from the auto body shop after they drop their car off for maintenance. Maybe they would love an invitation to dinner or a holiday at your house. Maybe they just want continued invitations to the stuff you normally do-- when the service member isn't deployed-- so that life feels "normal" or "steady." Maybe they would love to drive to your house and stay a weekend. Maybe they want to help you-- feel needed and not feel like such a burden on everyone else around them.
11. Holidays
I'm adding this as a post-script because deployments often entail the service member missing important days, like holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, or memorial days. These can be a hard time for both the military spouse and the military children. Some of these days have special meaning only to the military families-- like a particular season of grief or a special day for the family like an anniversary-- and some are major holidays that are widely celebrated. It can be hard going through the routine of the traditions without the service member. These are times where it is great to extend invitations to the military families you know, maybe inviting them to trick or treat with you or join you for holiday meals. But it may also be a time that the military family wants to lay low as a family. So be open and accepting and start a dialogue with the military spouse in your life! A little kindness over holidays and special days goes a long way.
Deployments can be very emotional times for military families. They don't get to choose when a deployment will fall, so maybe the service member is missing an important time for that family or maybe the military spouse (and family) is worried about the safety of the service member while they are away. On top of that, it can be hard to balance everything the military spouse has to take on during a deployment with the emotional needs during a deployment-- the military spouse's own feelings or the feelings of each of the children. Children have a hard time processing deployment-- long or short, safe or not safe-- and so it can be a lot added on to the military spouse to handle, if the children are regressing in their behaviors or having a lot of feelings. Because of all of that, deployments can be a very trying time for military families.
What SHOULDN'T you do or say to a military spouse during deployment?
Of course every military spouse is different, but there are a few good rule of thumbs to keep in mind when communicating and supporting a military spouse during a deployment. Here are 3:
1. "At least..."
Fill in the blank. "At least the deployment is almost over." "At least it is your last deployment before he gets off the boat." "At least it is only 1 month (2 months, 3 months, 4 months...)." "At least he isn't in the Army where he is diffusing road side bombs." "At least you can talk to him while he's deployed." "At least you aren't a dual military family." "At least he will be home for Christmas." "At least your kids are young so they won't remember this." "At least your kids are older so they know what to expect."
Take your pick. They aren't helpful. Unless you are a fellow military spouse walking through the same thing (and even then-- no one is in the exact same shoes!!!), "at least" statements are rarely helpful. "At least" makes the military spouse think, "Yeah, but..." "At least" statements are a dismissal, a sweeping aside of someone's feelings or experiences.
2. "Why don't you..."
Another fill in the blank. "Why don't you establish boundaries?" "Why don't you just say no?" "Why don't you put your kids in time out?" "Why don't you find a baby-sitter?"
Again... take your pick. "Why don't you" questions usually come across as judgements. Unless the military spouse specifically asks for your opinion regarding a certain area of their life, telling them how they can improve/simplify/make better something that clearly isn't working for them doesn't help. Shocking, I know. But I am sure that the military spouse is aware that the 3-year old is throwing massive tantrums over everything. I am sure the military spouse is aware that their calendar is too full. I am sure that the military spouse is aware that they don't have a good childcare option. All of those things that you are so helpfully "fixing" in casual conversation-- I am sure that the military spouse is well aware of them. And some of them might just be battles they don't want to fight right now-- and that is their business. Some of them might be problems they can't fix right now-- and that is their business. And yes, you might say, "But the military spouse makes it my business when they ask me to baby-sit for free for them every weekend." Eh, no. You can politely say no. And that is your prerogative. (But, remember, if you offered to watch their kids, then they were only taking you up on it!) If it doesn't work for you, you can decline and then the military spouse will pursue other childcare options that don't involve you.
3. Not helpful helping
There are a lot of ways to help someone-- helpful ways and not-so helpful ways. It is helpful when you make someone's life easier. It isn't helpful when you make them jump through a series of hoops to get a small amount of help. "I know you said you need a baby-sitter for your doctor's appointment from 10 am to 12 pm. I'd be happy to watch the kids at my house from 10 am to 11 am." Then, when the spouse declines (because that doesn't solve the childcare problem), you tell them, "Okay, well, if you change your mind, I'm happy to watch your kids!" It sounds helpful... but it isn't helpful. You only offered one hour of time that doesn't even cover the childcare block that is needed (and dropping them off at your house-- how would someone else even watch the kids from 11 am to 12 pm?!). It is better to say, "I'm sorry. I'm not free during that time." Or offering to make them dinner, but involving the military spouse on too many levels (or saying you would drop the meal off at a certain time and running very late). Or coming to visit... and then wanting to be waited on or be shuttled around to do crazy sight-seeing... or any number of things. You catch my drift. Helping is helpful when it is, well, helpful. If you have restrictions that prevent you from helping with a certain task on a level that would be beneficial to the military spouse or to you, then consider helping in a different way. For instance, if you don't get off work until 8 pm and you want to make them dinner, consider sending a gift card to cover a take out meal or dropping off a homemade frozen dinner for them to pop in the oven and heat up the next day. Don't beat yourself up for what you can't do, but focus on what you can do. Little things make a huge difference!
10. Specific asks
Every person is different and deployment falls at a different time of life. When my husband deployed before we had 5 kids, my favorite deployment activity was sharing a bottle of wine with my good friends. Now that we have 5 kids, my favorite deployment help is when someone will walk my kids to and from school. If you really want to help the military spouse in your life, talk to them! Find out what you can do. Maybe they need a ride from the auto body shop after they drop their car off for maintenance. Maybe they would love an invitation to dinner or a holiday at your house. Maybe they just want continued invitations to the stuff you normally do-- when the service member isn't deployed-- so that life feels "normal" or "steady." Maybe they would love to drive to your house and stay a weekend. Maybe they want to help you-- feel needed and not feel like such a burden on everyone else around them.
11. Holidays
I'm adding this as a post-script because deployments often entail the service member missing important days, like holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, or memorial days. These can be a hard time for both the military spouse and the military children. Some of these days have special meaning only to the military families-- like a particular season of grief or a special day for the family like an anniversary-- and some are major holidays that are widely celebrated. It can be hard going through the routine of the traditions without the service member. These are times where it is great to extend invitations to the military families you know, maybe inviting them to trick or treat with you or join you for holiday meals. But it may also be a time that the military family wants to lay low as a family. So be open and accepting and start a dialogue with the military spouse in your life! A little kindness over holidays and special days goes a long way.
Deployments can be very emotional times for military families. They don't get to choose when a deployment will fall, so maybe the service member is missing an important time for that family or maybe the military spouse (and family) is worried about the safety of the service member while they are away. On top of that, it can be hard to balance everything the military spouse has to take on during a deployment with the emotional needs during a deployment-- the military spouse's own feelings or the feelings of each of the children. Children have a hard time processing deployment-- long or short, safe or not safe-- and so it can be a lot added on to the military spouse to handle, if the children are regressing in their behaviors or having a lot of feelings. Because of all of that, deployments can be a very trying time for military families.
What SHOULDN'T you do or say to a military spouse during deployment?
Of course every military spouse is different, but there are a few good rule of thumbs to keep in mind when communicating and supporting a military spouse during a deployment. Here are 3:
1. "At least..."
Fill in the blank. "At least the deployment is almost over." "At least it is your last deployment before he gets off the boat." "At least it is only 1 month (2 months, 3 months, 4 months...)." "At least he isn't in the Army where he is diffusing road side bombs." "At least you can talk to him while he's deployed." "At least you aren't a dual military family." "At least he will be home for Christmas." "At least your kids are young so they won't remember this." "At least your kids are older so they know what to expect."
Take your pick. They aren't helpful. Unless you are a fellow military spouse walking through the same thing (and even then-- no one is in the exact same shoes!!!), "at least" statements are rarely helpful. "At least" makes the military spouse think, "Yeah, but..." "At least" statements are a dismissal, a sweeping aside of someone's feelings or experiences.
2. "Why don't you..."
Another fill in the blank. "Why don't you establish boundaries?" "Why don't you just say no?" "Why don't you put your kids in time out?" "Why don't you find a baby-sitter?"
Again... take your pick. "Why don't you" questions usually come across as judgements. Unless the military spouse specifically asks for your opinion regarding a certain area of their life, telling them how they can improve/simplify/make better something that clearly isn't working for them doesn't help. Shocking, I know. But I am sure that the military spouse is aware that the 3-year old is throwing massive tantrums over everything. I am sure the military spouse is aware that their calendar is too full. I am sure that the military spouse is aware that they don't have a good childcare option. All of those things that you are so helpfully "fixing" in casual conversation-- I am sure that the military spouse is well aware of them. And some of them might just be battles they don't want to fight right now-- and that is their business. Some of them might be problems they can't fix right now-- and that is their business. And yes, you might say, "But the military spouse makes it my business when they ask me to baby-sit for free for them every weekend." Eh, no. You can politely say no. And that is your prerogative. (But, remember, if you offered to watch their kids, then they were only taking you up on it!) If it doesn't work for you, you can decline and then the military spouse will pursue other childcare options that don't involve you.
3. Not helpful helping
There are a lot of ways to help someone-- helpful ways and not-so helpful ways. It is helpful when you make someone's life easier. It isn't helpful when you make them jump through a series of hoops to get a small amount of help. "I know you said you need a baby-sitter for your doctor's appointment from 10 am to 12 pm. I'd be happy to watch the kids at my house from 10 am to 11 am." Then, when the spouse declines (because that doesn't solve the childcare problem), you tell them, "Okay, well, if you change your mind, I'm happy to watch your kids!" It sounds helpful... but it isn't helpful. You only offered one hour of time that doesn't even cover the childcare block that is needed (and dropping them off at your house-- how would someone else even watch the kids from 11 am to 12 pm?!). It is better to say, "I'm sorry. I'm not free during that time." Or offering to make them dinner, but involving the military spouse on too many levels (or saying you would drop the meal off at a certain time and running very late). Or coming to visit... and then wanting to be waited on or be shuttled around to do crazy sight-seeing... or any number of things. You catch my drift. Helping is helpful when it is, well, helpful. If you have restrictions that prevent you from helping with a certain task on a level that would be beneficial to the military spouse or to you, then consider helping in a different way. For instance, if you don't get off work until 8 pm and you want to make them dinner, consider sending a gift card to cover a take out meal or dropping off a homemade frozen dinner for them to pop in the oven and heat up the next day. Don't beat yourself up for what you can't do, but focus on what you can do. Little things make a huge difference!
So those are my tips on helping support the military spouse (or military family) in your life while their service member is deployed. I think it is important to keep in mind that your level of help can vary depending on your own situation-- if you live near or far, or your own schedule and abilities, etc. Showing your support can be as simple as a greeting card with a message inside or dropping by with a smile and a kind word. Hopefully these tips and tricks help you bring a smile to the military spouse in your life!
Are you a military spouse? What are your favorite things people help you with during deployment? Leave me a comment and let me know!
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