Getting out of the house

Motherhood is full of contradictions, failures, victories, and downright ridiculousness. Here's what a mom thinks getting out of the house with lots of kids...

1. "Today is going to be such a good day. Much better than yesterday."
2. "Why are we starting this fight now?"
3. "First time out before I've even had my first cup of coffee."
4. "...I guess we are playing how many kids can end up in time out before breakfast is over."
5. "All right. Fresh start to the day. Today really will be a great day."
6. "How are they not hungry? Don't kids need more breakfast than this?"
7. "We waste so much bloody food. So. Much. Bloody. Food. Why don't they care about that?"
8. "I hope they put the clothes on I put out... Nope. They are opening their closets. Dammit."
9. "No one is leaving the house dressed like that. How did he even squeeze himself into that shirt? Isn't that a size 18-month shirt?!"
10. "They look so cute all dressed."
11. "Omigosh. Will I ever get dressed? I'm going to have to leave in pajamas."
12. "I wonder if anyone can tell I haven't washed my hair in 4 days. And am wearing my husband's shirt."
13. "Oh. My. Gosh. Why is it so hard to put on shoes? How do all of their shoes go missing overnight?"
14. "Seriously. Where are the other shoes? How do we have a stack of only right shoes?"
15. "It can't be an accident that the shoe bin only has right shoes in it. Where are the left shoes?"
16. "Who the heck put all the left shoes in backpacks? When did they have time to do this? How did I not see this happening?"
17. "How did we find every left shoe except the ones we need?"
18. "I don't care that it is raining in October. They are wearing flip flops. We have a pair of flip flops for each foot. It's fine. We are leaving. Being late is worse than inappropriate footwear."
19. "How the heck did the left shoes all end up in the van? I know they wore their shoes in the house yesterday. I remember them wearing their shoes in yesterday."
20. "Had to be a different day. Did we leave the house yesterday?"
21. "Well, now they have appropriate footwear. Omigosh, they look so cute today. I love their little outfits. Just one picture..."
22. "CAN THEY NOT JUST SMILE FOR A PICTURE REAL FAST."
23. "Forget it. It's fine. Let's go. WHY ARE THEY CRYING."
24. "He forgot pants?! He was just fully dressed strapped in his car seat?! Where did his pants go?!"
25. "Why did I have kids?!"
26. "I should have had one kid. Or two kids. Four is a lot. Five is a lot. Maybe this was too many kids."
27. "I think I would be a great mom of one or two kids."
28. "...or not. Because if we had stopped at one or two kids, then I wouldn't have the perspective of four or five kids. So two kids would probably still be stressful."
29. "Plus, when we went to have our second kid, we had twins. So that automatically put us at a crazy amount of kids. Three kids was crazy."
30. "I feel like I've gone crazy."
31. "I left my coffee inside."
32. "There are his damn pants. How did his damn pants end up in the entry way?"
33. "Okay, fine, but who else has to go pee? All of you. Okay. Fine. It's fine. Better here than as soon as we get there."
34. "No, you aren't changing."
35. "No, we aren't wearing flip flops."
36. "No, we aren't going in costumes. Seriously, no costumes. Put down the light saber."
37. "My shirt is backwards. That's why I've felt like it's choking me."
38. "SERIOUSLY. THEY COULD SEE MY SHIRT WAS OFF. WHY WOULD THEY OPEN THE FRONT DOOR."
39. "Omigosh. My neighbor is outside. Did she see me with my shirt off?"
40. "And a kid is laying on the driveway wailing."
41. "Could I look like a worse parent?"
42. "One, two, three, four, five kids in the car. All buckled. Except one."
43. "Four kids. Four kids are in the car. Where's the fifth?"
44. "On the floor in the backseat. Why is he on the floor?"
45. "We are literally never leaving."
46. "Is it even worth going at this point?"
47. "He found a penny. Okay, he's buckled up. Now I have to check carseats again..."
48. "One, two, three, four, five. Good to go."
49. "Look at us! Everyone dressed. Everyone buckled. Getting out of the house! This will be a fun day."
50. "Omigosh, we are so late. SO LATE. But I have five kids, so everyone will probably understand. They better understand."
51. "I should still be on time though. I should teach my kids timeliness."
52. "It's not the world's fault I have five kids. I should be on time."
53. "But we aren't that late. Pretty good, actually. Fashionably late."
54. "I'm so glad we are going. It's nice to get out. It's good for the children too."
55. "I don't want to toot my own horn, but we are rocking it this morning!"
56. "I love being a mom. And our kids are so good."
57. "Could they be any cuter?"
58. "WHO BROUGHT A LIGHT SABER IN THE CAR?"
59. "Is he bleeding?!"
60. "ARE THEY ALL CRYING?!"