I have been failing a lot at parenting lately. Not just the little things, like yelling when all the kids start talking to me at the same time and dinner is burning and homework isn't done. But on big things, like what do I do when my children are struggling? What do I do when I don't know the answers? The other night one of our boys was in trouble for something and I had him get ready for bed while his siblings cleaned up their art supplies and tidied their room. I went in my room and cried. I have no idea what I am doing.
I think a lot of times that's why we as parents struggle so much with all this mommy judgement. People tell us how horrible our children have been lately and we know. We are there, day in and day out and we see the bad behaviors and we are trying. We don't want our kids to do that. We don't want our kids to be "that kid." We don't want to constantly have a wrinkle of worry between our eyebrows and a creeping tension headache, waiting to burst into a full blown migraine at the least provocation. But we are trying and it is breaking our hearts that nothing seems to be working.
We want our children to learn from a gentle criticism. In an ideal world, I would say, "Hey, bud. Do you think that was the best way to handle your hurt feelings?"
This is where our naughty child would look down at his shoes, embarrassed, "Aw, shucks, Mom. It's just that my brother wrote on my picture and it really made me mad. I shouldn't have pushed him."
This is where I would smile indulgently, "How do you think that made him feel?"
Tears would well up in his eyes right now, as he thinks about the pain he caused his brother during his flash of anger, "Bad. He probably got an owie when he fell on the truck after I pushed him. Gee, I need to go check to make sure he is okay and apologize. Next time I think I will ask him to stop coloring on my paper and, if he doesn't, I think I will get a grown up to help me navigate this situation and my feelings. I never want to hurt him like this again. On top of that, even though my brother did me wrong, I also ended up in trouble and I don't like that either."
In this scenario, I would give him a big hug and then-- guess what!-- that would be that. We would never encounter this problem again.
But real life isn't like that, is it? Real life is two of your children in a full blown fist fight over the red crayon while the baby cries, the toddler is cutting up someone's homework in the corner with scissors he stole from your drawer, and another one of your children following behind you rambling about some small thing that happened in his day, completely oblivious to the mayhem around you.
Real life is pulling your child to the side and giving a consequence worthy of the crime, only for him to leave time out and go back and do the exact same thing again.
Real life is punishing one child for something only for another child to do the exact same thing. And the next child to do the exact same thing. And the next child to do the exact same thing. And when they all finally leave time out, to do the exact same thing. Until it is only 5 o'clock--3 more hours until bedtime-- and you feel like your head is going to burst from the massive headache pounding in your skull and you are wondering, "WHY ARE THEY NOT LISTENING. WHY AM I REPEATING MYSELF SO MANY TIMES. AM I HORRIBLE? ARE THEY HORRIBLE?"
Real life is finally losing your cool and yelling at everyone to get their shoes on and walking to the bus stop with a crying baby, a wild toddler, and sullen elementary kids, your heart breaking as the bus pulls up because you feel so horrible that there was so much yelling and mayhem all morning, and vowing to have a better afternoon, only for the afternoon to head down the exact same path.
Real life is reading bedtime stories and saying, "Stop jumping. Stop running. Sit. I'm going to stop reading if you don't listen. Stay in your beds. Stop talking. Okay. Lights out. I'm all done." And kissing the crying faces of each of your children and feeling like your soul is withering inside of you as you close their bedroom door on yet another hard night, another hard day, another hard morning, another hard, hard, hard time parenting.
Real life is walking in their rooms when they are asleep and seeing how small and peaceful they look and loving them so much you can't take it. And wondering if you are the problem. If you are the reason it is hard. If you are doing something wrong. If you could do better. And not knowing what else you can do, how else you can change, what else you can fix because it is all so overwhelming.
Real life is knowing we are all feeling that way. We are all doing the best we can. We are all going through various hard phases. With one child something may be easy and with another it is difficult. We all have children with different personalities than us. We all have children we've struggled with at various ages and stages. Sometimes it is hard to connect. Sometimes it is hard to find the path forward.
Because what we as parents want is for it to be okay for our children. We want them to excel. We want them to do well. We want the very best for them. We want them to work with us, not against us. We want to know what is wrong, how we can fix things, let them fix things, we want to keep putting one step in front of the other until they reach adult hood and are able to handle all of life's challenges well because we prepared them for it. We want a bond with them. We want to be their safe place. We want to shelter them-- but not too much. To guide them-- but not too much. We want all good things for them.
It is heartbreaking to feel like we are doing it all wrong or to just have no idea what the next step forward is. It is heartbreaking to feel like we missed something along the way and that maybe our whole philosophy is the problem, because, really, how can that be changed? We are who we are. I am me. My child is my child. How can I be someone else? And I would never want them to be someone else. Sometimes it is easy with one child to find the middle ground and with another, you have to make a concerted effort to see any sort of middle ground between you two. It takes time and patience and effort and there are moments when you are breathless because it feels like it has all slipped between your fingers.
When everyone is telling you what a problem your child is.
When your child is defiant to you.
When your headache creeps in at the first sibling fight at 6:20 am.
When yet again you are fighting about the same thing, hour after hour, day after day.
When you make no progress on something you have carefully researched on how to approach.
When your friends and their children don't seem to have the same problem.
When consistently your child is the problem at various social settings.
When your child says words that hurt you deeper than you have ever been hurt before.
These are the times you are left trying to catch your breath. When you walk into your room and close the door and the tears start flowing because, Lord knows, you put your heart and soul and every ounce of energy you have and energy you DON'T have into parenting. When you care so much and so deeply and you honestly try. You try.
How do you go forward from here? How do you handle these hard behaviors? What's the best choice?
I don't know.
But what I know is, I love them. I love those babies. I love those little faces and I love their little hands. I love their smiles and I love the silly answers they write on their homework assignments. I love walking to the bus stop with them and hearing them ramble about important things in their lives. I love when they show me their treasures, because each of them are so different and value different things. I love their collections. I love that I find acorns in all my shoes and small erasers on every dresser. I love that they constantly have ideas and inventions and a new perspective.
I don't want to crush them-- their individuality, their spunk, their imaginations. I don't want to change them. I want to guide them. I want them to use their skills for good. To help each other. To change the world. To make a difference. Just like their dad is. Just like their grandparents. Just like me. We do things. We go forward for good.
And sometimes I don't have the answers. Sometimes we make mistakes. They are learning. I am learning how to be what they need and they are learning what I need. We've had a lot of changes this year and even more coming up over the next year. It is a lot for any little one to handle. I think sometimes parenting is just messy. Sometimes we feel we are in our stride and people see our kids how we see our kids. And sometimes we know that they have good hearts. That they are good people. And things are a struggle with them.
I'm their mom, though. I'm never going to let go. Never going to write them off. Never going to stop believing. I will always see the good, their potential, their hearts.
Parenting isn't always easy. There isn't always the good, easy choice right in front of you. Sometimes, the right choice is impossible to find. What punishment would fit this misbehavior when I know your motivation for acting out? How do I appropriately deal with your action when I have a million other tasks needing to get done at this moment? How do I handle all of this?
Maybe one day I will look back and think, yeah. I should have done this and this. One day I will think I was the biggest pushover on the planet and maybe one day I will be full of regret.
Today I am going to hug my kids though.
Today I will forget about the nagging doubts in my head and I will listen to their words. Today I will forget about the one hundred million things on my plate and I will be present when they need me, when they reach out at a vulnerable moment. Today I won't worry about how other people perceive my child. And when they are overwhelmed and frustrated and don't know how to handle something, I can give them an even bigger hug because I know what that's like.
I may not know the best way to handle every parenting situation, but I do know how to be there for them. I do know how to walk through this with them. I have an abundance of love for them. And maybe... as time goes on, we will figure this out together.
And I think that is okay.
I think a lot of times that's why we as parents struggle so much with all this mommy judgement. People tell us how horrible our children have been lately and we know. We are there, day in and day out and we see the bad behaviors and we are trying. We don't want our kids to do that. We don't want our kids to be "that kid." We don't want to constantly have a wrinkle of worry between our eyebrows and a creeping tension headache, waiting to burst into a full blown migraine at the least provocation. But we are trying and it is breaking our hearts that nothing seems to be working.
We want our children to learn from a gentle criticism. In an ideal world, I would say, "Hey, bud. Do you think that was the best way to handle your hurt feelings?"
This is where our naughty child would look down at his shoes, embarrassed, "Aw, shucks, Mom. It's just that my brother wrote on my picture and it really made me mad. I shouldn't have pushed him."
This is where I would smile indulgently, "How do you think that made him feel?"
Tears would well up in his eyes right now, as he thinks about the pain he caused his brother during his flash of anger, "Bad. He probably got an owie when he fell on the truck after I pushed him. Gee, I need to go check to make sure he is okay and apologize. Next time I think I will ask him to stop coloring on my paper and, if he doesn't, I think I will get a grown up to help me navigate this situation and my feelings. I never want to hurt him like this again. On top of that, even though my brother did me wrong, I also ended up in trouble and I don't like that either."
In this scenario, I would give him a big hug and then-- guess what!-- that would be that. We would never encounter this problem again.
But real life isn't like that, is it? Real life is two of your children in a full blown fist fight over the red crayon while the baby cries, the toddler is cutting up someone's homework in the corner with scissors he stole from your drawer, and another one of your children following behind you rambling about some small thing that happened in his day, completely oblivious to the mayhem around you.
Real life is pulling your child to the side and giving a consequence worthy of the crime, only for him to leave time out and go back and do the exact same thing again.
Real life is punishing one child for something only for another child to do the exact same thing. And the next child to do the exact same thing. And the next child to do the exact same thing. And when they all finally leave time out, to do the exact same thing. Until it is only 5 o'clock--3 more hours until bedtime-- and you feel like your head is going to burst from the massive headache pounding in your skull and you are wondering, "WHY ARE THEY NOT LISTENING. WHY AM I REPEATING MYSELF SO MANY TIMES. AM I HORRIBLE? ARE THEY HORRIBLE?"
Real life is finally losing your cool and yelling at everyone to get their shoes on and walking to the bus stop with a crying baby, a wild toddler, and sullen elementary kids, your heart breaking as the bus pulls up because you feel so horrible that there was so much yelling and mayhem all morning, and vowing to have a better afternoon, only for the afternoon to head down the exact same path.
Real life is reading bedtime stories and saying, "Stop jumping. Stop running. Sit. I'm going to stop reading if you don't listen. Stay in your beds. Stop talking. Okay. Lights out. I'm all done." And kissing the crying faces of each of your children and feeling like your soul is withering inside of you as you close their bedroom door on yet another hard night, another hard day, another hard morning, another hard, hard, hard time parenting.
Real life is walking in their rooms when they are asleep and seeing how small and peaceful they look and loving them so much you can't take it. And wondering if you are the problem. If you are the reason it is hard. If you are doing something wrong. If you could do better. And not knowing what else you can do, how else you can change, what else you can fix because it is all so overwhelming.
Real life is knowing we are all feeling that way. We are all doing the best we can. We are all going through various hard phases. With one child something may be easy and with another it is difficult. We all have children with different personalities than us. We all have children we've struggled with at various ages and stages. Sometimes it is hard to connect. Sometimes it is hard to find the path forward.
Because what we as parents want is for it to be okay for our children. We want them to excel. We want them to do well. We want the very best for them. We want them to work with us, not against us. We want to know what is wrong, how we can fix things, let them fix things, we want to keep putting one step in front of the other until they reach adult hood and are able to handle all of life's challenges well because we prepared them for it. We want a bond with them. We want to be their safe place. We want to shelter them-- but not too much. To guide them-- but not too much. We want all good things for them.
It is heartbreaking to feel like we are doing it all wrong or to just have no idea what the next step forward is. It is heartbreaking to feel like we missed something along the way and that maybe our whole philosophy is the problem, because, really, how can that be changed? We are who we are. I am me. My child is my child. How can I be someone else? And I would never want them to be someone else. Sometimes it is easy with one child to find the middle ground and with another, you have to make a concerted effort to see any sort of middle ground between you two. It takes time and patience and effort and there are moments when you are breathless because it feels like it has all slipped between your fingers.
When everyone is telling you what a problem your child is.
When your child is defiant to you.
When your headache creeps in at the first sibling fight at 6:20 am.
When yet again you are fighting about the same thing, hour after hour, day after day.
When you make no progress on something you have carefully researched on how to approach.
When your friends and their children don't seem to have the same problem.
When consistently your child is the problem at various social settings.
When your child says words that hurt you deeper than you have ever been hurt before.
These are the times you are left trying to catch your breath. When you walk into your room and close the door and the tears start flowing because, Lord knows, you put your heart and soul and every ounce of energy you have and energy you DON'T have into parenting. When you care so much and so deeply and you honestly try. You try.
How do you go forward from here? How do you handle these hard behaviors? What's the best choice?
I don't know.
But what I know is, I love them. I love those babies. I love those little faces and I love their little hands. I love their smiles and I love the silly answers they write on their homework assignments. I love walking to the bus stop with them and hearing them ramble about important things in their lives. I love when they show me their treasures, because each of them are so different and value different things. I love their collections. I love that I find acorns in all my shoes and small erasers on every dresser. I love that they constantly have ideas and inventions and a new perspective.
I don't want to crush them-- their individuality, their spunk, their imaginations. I don't want to change them. I want to guide them. I want them to use their skills for good. To help each other. To change the world. To make a difference. Just like their dad is. Just like their grandparents. Just like me. We do things. We go forward for good.
And sometimes I don't have the answers. Sometimes we make mistakes. They are learning. I am learning how to be what they need and they are learning what I need. We've had a lot of changes this year and even more coming up over the next year. It is a lot for any little one to handle. I think sometimes parenting is just messy. Sometimes we feel we are in our stride and people see our kids how we see our kids. And sometimes we know that they have good hearts. That they are good people. And things are a struggle with them.
I'm their mom, though. I'm never going to let go. Never going to write them off. Never going to stop believing. I will always see the good, their potential, their hearts.
Parenting isn't always easy. There isn't always the good, easy choice right in front of you. Sometimes, the right choice is impossible to find. What punishment would fit this misbehavior when I know your motivation for acting out? How do I appropriately deal with your action when I have a million other tasks needing to get done at this moment? How do I handle all of this?
Maybe one day I will look back and think, yeah. I should have done this and this. One day I will think I was the biggest pushover on the planet and maybe one day I will be full of regret.
Today I am going to hug my kids though.
Today I will forget about the nagging doubts in my head and I will listen to their words. Today I will forget about the one hundred million things on my plate and I will be present when they need me, when they reach out at a vulnerable moment. Today I won't worry about how other people perceive my child. And when they are overwhelmed and frustrated and don't know how to handle something, I can give them an even bigger hug because I know what that's like.
I may not know the best way to handle every parenting situation, but I do know how to be there for them. I do know how to walk through this with them. I have an abundance of love for them. And maybe... as time goes on, we will figure this out together.
And I think that is okay.
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