NOTE: I do want to start by saying that our kids' ages are 9, 6, 6, 3, and 1. I know that as they grow, there will be more and more differences between boys and girls. I want our children to be free to like a "boy" activity and be free to like a "girl" activity. That doesn't mean they have to and I'm not pushing any of those things on them, but I think it is important they aren't shamed for their interests and, even bigger, they don't shame others. That doesn't mean they never tease each other over "something is for boys" or "something is for girls," but when they do, I address it. Because I feel it is an important lesson that girls or boys do not get boxed into behaviors or activities (or jobs or roles) solely because of the gender they were born with. THAT is how we are going to make positive changes toward gender equality. I also want to add that I was over the moon thrilled when we found out we were finally having a girl. I grew up surrounded by close and positive female relationships. My relationships with my mother and my sisters and my best friends are some of my most valued relationships in my life. I love my community of women and I love the closeness that I have with my mother. When I found out that our last baby was a girl, I cried tears of joy because I felt that I finally have a chance to have that mother/daughter relationship that I so value with my own mother. I am very close with each of my boys and I love them fiercely (clearly). I cannot wait to see the relationships I have with them when they are grown and I pray constantly for their future spouses and partners that we will be close, as I do with my daughter. I recognize there are differences in girls and boys and, while I know that not every girl grows up being best friends with their mom and not every boy grows up and moves away from their family, there is something intimate about the bond mothers and daughters have and I hope to nurture and foster that relationship, Lord willing. -Kimber
We have four boys and our fifth child was our long-awaited and much anticipated daughter. When we started having children I knew two things: I wanted lots of kids and I wanted them to be girls. Having come from a big family with lots of girls, I pictured myself as the mom of girls and all the fun girls bring. Then we had a boy... twin boys... another boy... and a girl. I have had people ask me, "How different is it raising a girl than a boy?"
That question always makes me pause. Different? How do they mean different? I have had four children already and each of them-- even our identical twins-- have their own unique personalities and their own unique likes and dislikes. As for the day to day with an infant, how would the differences of one baby be attributed to their gender and not to the fact that people-- girls or boys-- are different? Each one of my pregnancies-- four singleton pregnancies and two multiple pregnancies-- have been different. I cannot and will not say that carrying boys was vastly different than carrying my daughter. And caring for newborns... come on. These aren't hormone infused teenagers. These are tiny babies that want to be fed, burped, and changed. Their biggest concern is naptime. Not boy chasing. I get asked all the time what is like having so much testosterone in my house, to which I always wonder if people realize that none of my children have hit puberty yet...?
I am not denying that boys and girls develop differently or have common behaviors or interests with other people of the same gender. What I can say is that having four boys, I can tell you that each one of them has their own likes and dislikes and that they have a wide variety of interests. They play dress up. They play house. They play with dolls (aka action figures). They love art and science and imaginative play. They love helping me and my husband with chores and "jobs" and "tasks" around the house. They love playing Mommy and Daddy and taking their "babies" to Costco and for check-ups. They love playing basketball, football, baseball, riding bikes, playing outside, hitting things with sticks, planting gardens, and drawing all over each other with chalk.
They are children. And as children, they play with boys and they play with girls and they get to enjoy this magical, care-free, and responsibility free time of life called childhood.
Yet when I drop my children off at childcare, I hear, "Oh, well, we only have girls in the nursery today. Is that okay?" Why would my 2-year old say, "Oh, man. Nope. Not for me, mom. I can't play here today with girls." As a modern day momma, I want my children to play with older kids, younger kids, kids from different backgrounds, ethnicities, cultures, countries, languages, religions, upbringings... I want them to experience the country we live in and the people who live in it. That is one of my favorite things about being a Navy family is that we actually get to live all over the country-- not just visit. And still, our boys can't participate with the girls.
I remember growing up and having girl birthday parties. I loved that and I don't see a problem with that, especially as kids get older and the things they like tend to differ more than children of the other gender. But right now we have little kids. Our oldest is in 3rd grade and our youngest is a toddler. Right now I have boys that wonder why they couldn't go to the "girl" party. Or who listen longingly when friends describe how they went to a tea party for the girls' in the class. They love that stuff. And I know that two of my boys would be silly and probably make fart noises at the table. (One would be embarrassed sitting there with all the pink and sparkles, the other would love it, but seriously just loves a well-timed fart joke.) My third boy loves all things princess and would give anything to go to a princess tea party. To wear the sparkley dresses and hang out with friends all pretending to be fabulous ladies and princesses and eat pretty food on pretty plates. As for our preschooler, our last boy... well, he didn't behave well at his own birthday party.
As a mom of many throwing birthday parties five times a year, I know that birthday parties are expensive and time consuming and when your child decides on a party with the whole class, it is like GAH. It's impossible. And, no, when you spend money on a venue with a princess party, you don't want all these kids showing up who have no interest in it or who will be wild or not take it seriously. But I wonder, are all the girls in class friends? Do they all want to go to the princess party? Are they all well-behaved? Would my first grade boys ruin the whole party? And if they did, is it because they are boys? We have high tea at our house. We discuss things like our day at school, if Iron Man could beat the Hulk, if Rapunzel could beat Ariel, which superhero has the best costume, and what their favorite type of cookie is. We do a lot of multiplication, as our oldest is fascinated with math and drills his siblings all the time. Is this horrible tea party conversation for their age group?
It gives me pause. I see how convenient is to say, "You can invite the girls in the class." I see how convenient it is for teachers to say, "No birthday invites unless you invite the whole class." Personally, we let our children invite one or two friends to each of their birthday parties. We keep them pretty small affairs. So our birthday parties tend to be manageable activities that each of our children enjoy-- a pizza party, a dance party, a video game party, a basketball party, a dress up party, etc. But what about the boys that would love to go to their classmate's birthday or the girls that would love to go to their classmate's birthday? I'm not talking about older kids and sleepover parties. But little kids. Where parents are still usually going and dropping off and picking up or helping supervise.
On top of that, I see online all the time, "Dinosaur dresses for girls!" "Get your girls science dresses!" And every one applauds it. Why do girls have to have unicorns and princesses all the time when they love Star Wars and space? My sisters would have LOVED the dresses they make now for little girls. She has been a Star Wars loving, bug catching, space exploring girl from the beginning. My youngest sister is amazing at math. I could see her wearing these math dresses and all that. Why can't girls have superhero costumes and be encouraged in math, engineering, and science? I am ALL ABOUT IT. But I think the conversation needs to be bigger-- we need diversity. We need female role models of all backgrounds. We need to mix up the faces we see in advertising and holding powerful positions, so it's not just white males (or white women). We need people to look up to someone and say, "YES. THAT CAN BE ME."
But when boys like girl things? Suddenly I'm making a statement. Me, the mom. My child, who is old enough to know he loves something on his own, who spends his own time drawing these characters and playing with his toys of these characters and watching the movies of these characters, is teased for liking "girl things." We tell girls to like what they like and to go for it and they can do anything and we take away labels and we take away gender stereotypes and roles and I grew up believing it, believing and soaking it in and sharing this with my children... to have a house full of boys and have them constantly being told, "Boys will be boys." "That's boys for you." "That's a girl toy."
I hear, "That's great you let him play with that." Would we say that about a girl asking for a science kit? Why are we saying that about a 1st grader that wants an Elsa Disney baby doll? We wouldn't say that about a 1st grade girl, but we are about a 1st grade boy. I'm not making a statement. I found a doll he wanted-- that he's been begging me to buy-- on sale and so I finally said yes. If we want the next generation of women to be free to follow their dreams, we need to stop defining women's roles to the next generation of men.
When people ask me if I feel differently about having a daughter then I have about having sons, I tell them that having sons has changed me more than having a daughter. I can protect her. I can plug her into resources and give her role models. I can do those things for her, just as my parents did for me. Just as I have felt my whole life by my parents never telling me no because of my gender. What I have a harder time with is people telling my boys what is and isn't okay for boys. What I constantly work against is people telling them, "That's for girls." My favorite comeback for the boys is, "So what if it is?" They don't have an answer for that. Because what is the answer to that?
My children are old enough to make their own decisions about things they like. They are old enough to choose if Batman is better than Superman or if Princess and the Frog is scarier than Fantasia. They are old enough to love their backpack and be excited about the school supplies they chose. They are old enough to have a favorite movie. They are old enough to have games they have invented and play at recess with their friends. They are old enough to have favorite foods and prefer one sport over another. They are old enough to have a favorite bedtime story.
I will not shame them. I will not let them be shamed. I will not teach them girl things are shameful. That girls are lesser. That girls aren't worthy. That girls are second choices.
Because when you tell my boys, "That's for girls," that is the message you are teaching them.
I say no.
I say, princesses can be bad ass, just like my boys.
We have four boys and our fifth child was our long-awaited and much anticipated daughter. When we started having children I knew two things: I wanted lots of kids and I wanted them to be girls. Having come from a big family with lots of girls, I pictured myself as the mom of girls and all the fun girls bring. Then we had a boy... twin boys... another boy... and a girl. I have had people ask me, "How different is it raising a girl than a boy?"
That question always makes me pause. Different? How do they mean different? I have had four children already and each of them-- even our identical twins-- have their own unique personalities and their own unique likes and dislikes. As for the day to day with an infant, how would the differences of one baby be attributed to their gender and not to the fact that people-- girls or boys-- are different? Each one of my pregnancies-- four singleton pregnancies and two multiple pregnancies-- have been different. I cannot and will not say that carrying boys was vastly different than carrying my daughter. And caring for newborns... come on. These aren't hormone infused teenagers. These are tiny babies that want to be fed, burped, and changed. Their biggest concern is naptime. Not boy chasing. I get asked all the time what is like having so much testosterone in my house, to which I always wonder if people realize that none of my children have hit puberty yet...?
I am not denying that boys and girls develop differently or have common behaviors or interests with other people of the same gender. What I can say is that having four boys, I can tell you that each one of them has their own likes and dislikes and that they have a wide variety of interests. They play dress up. They play house. They play with dolls (aka action figures). They love art and science and imaginative play. They love helping me and my husband with chores and "jobs" and "tasks" around the house. They love playing Mommy and Daddy and taking their "babies" to Costco and for check-ups. They love playing basketball, football, baseball, riding bikes, playing outside, hitting things with sticks, planting gardens, and drawing all over each other with chalk.
They are children. And as children, they play with boys and they play with girls and they get to enjoy this magical, care-free, and responsibility free time of life called childhood.
Yet when I drop my children off at childcare, I hear, "Oh, well, we only have girls in the nursery today. Is that okay?" Why would my 2-year old say, "Oh, man. Nope. Not for me, mom. I can't play here today with girls." As a modern day momma, I want my children to play with older kids, younger kids, kids from different backgrounds, ethnicities, cultures, countries, languages, religions, upbringings... I want them to experience the country we live in and the people who live in it. That is one of my favorite things about being a Navy family is that we actually get to live all over the country-- not just visit. And still, our boys can't participate with the girls.
I remember growing up and having girl birthday parties. I loved that and I don't see a problem with that, especially as kids get older and the things they like tend to differ more than children of the other gender. But right now we have little kids. Our oldest is in 3rd grade and our youngest is a toddler. Right now I have boys that wonder why they couldn't go to the "girl" party. Or who listen longingly when friends describe how they went to a tea party for the girls' in the class. They love that stuff. And I know that two of my boys would be silly and probably make fart noises at the table. (One would be embarrassed sitting there with all the pink and sparkles, the other would love it, but seriously just loves a well-timed fart joke.) My third boy loves all things princess and would give anything to go to a princess tea party. To wear the sparkley dresses and hang out with friends all pretending to be fabulous ladies and princesses and eat pretty food on pretty plates. As for our preschooler, our last boy... well, he didn't behave well at his own birthday party.
As a mom of many throwing birthday parties five times a year, I know that birthday parties are expensive and time consuming and when your child decides on a party with the whole class, it is like GAH. It's impossible. And, no, when you spend money on a venue with a princess party, you don't want all these kids showing up who have no interest in it or who will be wild or not take it seriously. But I wonder, are all the girls in class friends? Do they all want to go to the princess party? Are they all well-behaved? Would my first grade boys ruin the whole party? And if they did, is it because they are boys? We have high tea at our house. We discuss things like our day at school, if Iron Man could beat the Hulk, if Rapunzel could beat Ariel, which superhero has the best costume, and what their favorite type of cookie is. We do a lot of multiplication, as our oldest is fascinated with math and drills his siblings all the time. Is this horrible tea party conversation for their age group?
It gives me pause. I see how convenient is to say, "You can invite the girls in the class." I see how convenient it is for teachers to say, "No birthday invites unless you invite the whole class." Personally, we let our children invite one or two friends to each of their birthday parties. We keep them pretty small affairs. So our birthday parties tend to be manageable activities that each of our children enjoy-- a pizza party, a dance party, a video game party, a basketball party, a dress up party, etc. But what about the boys that would love to go to their classmate's birthday or the girls that would love to go to their classmate's birthday? I'm not talking about older kids and sleepover parties. But little kids. Where parents are still usually going and dropping off and picking up or helping supervise.
On top of that, I see online all the time, "Dinosaur dresses for girls!" "Get your girls science dresses!" And every one applauds it. Why do girls have to have unicorns and princesses all the time when they love Star Wars and space? My sisters would have LOVED the dresses they make now for little girls. She has been a Star Wars loving, bug catching, space exploring girl from the beginning. My youngest sister is amazing at math. I could see her wearing these math dresses and all that. Why can't girls have superhero costumes and be encouraged in math, engineering, and science? I am ALL ABOUT IT. But I think the conversation needs to be bigger-- we need diversity. We need female role models of all backgrounds. We need to mix up the faces we see in advertising and holding powerful positions, so it's not just white males (or white women). We need people to look up to someone and say, "YES. THAT CAN BE ME."
But when boys like girl things? Suddenly I'm making a statement. Me, the mom. My child, who is old enough to know he loves something on his own, who spends his own time drawing these characters and playing with his toys of these characters and watching the movies of these characters, is teased for liking "girl things." We tell girls to like what they like and to go for it and they can do anything and we take away labels and we take away gender stereotypes and roles and I grew up believing it, believing and soaking it in and sharing this with my children... to have a house full of boys and have them constantly being told, "Boys will be boys." "That's boys for you." "That's a girl toy."
I hear, "That's great you let him play with that." Would we say that about a girl asking for a science kit? Why are we saying that about a 1st grader that wants an Elsa Disney baby doll? We wouldn't say that about a 1st grade girl, but we are about a 1st grade boy. I'm not making a statement. I found a doll he wanted-- that he's been begging me to buy-- on sale and so I finally said yes. If we want the next generation of women to be free to follow their dreams, we need to stop defining women's roles to the next generation of men.
When people ask me if I feel differently about having a daughter then I have about having sons, I tell them that having sons has changed me more than having a daughter. I can protect her. I can plug her into resources and give her role models. I can do those things for her, just as my parents did for me. Just as I have felt my whole life by my parents never telling me no because of my gender. What I have a harder time with is people telling my boys what is and isn't okay for boys. What I constantly work against is people telling them, "That's for girls." My favorite comeback for the boys is, "So what if it is?" They don't have an answer for that. Because what is the answer to that?
My children are old enough to make their own decisions about things they like. They are old enough to choose if Batman is better than Superman or if Princess and the Frog is scarier than Fantasia. They are old enough to love their backpack and be excited about the school supplies they chose. They are old enough to have a favorite movie. They are old enough to have games they have invented and play at recess with their friends. They are old enough to have favorite foods and prefer one sport over another. They are old enough to have a favorite bedtime story.
I will not shame them. I will not let them be shamed. I will not teach them girl things are shameful. That girls are lesser. That girls aren't worthy. That girls are second choices.
Because when you tell my boys, "That's for girls," that is the message you are teaching them.
I say no.
I say, princesses can be bad ass, just like my boys.
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